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F.I.D.O. - Forget
It, Drive On. |
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Falling in love is
awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful. |
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Feed your faith,
and your doubts will starve. |
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Figure out where
you're going. It improves your chances of getting there. |
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First, we'll give
him his rights. Then, we'll hang him. |
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Five of the things
I've learned the hard way: 1) nothing in life is free,
2) "forever" can be a very short time for some; 3) "one
night" can drag on forever; 4) there is too much of that
which aggravates us; and 5) there is never enough of
what we love the most. |
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Flaunt what Mother
Nature gives you before Father Time takes it away. |
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Forty isn't
old...if you're a tree. |
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Friends help you
move. Real friends help you move bodies! |
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FROG... Fully Rely
On God! |
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Gentlemen...start
your engines! |
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Get down and study
for your pt test! |
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Get rid of your
pride, before you have to swallow it. |
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Gettin' old ain't
fer sissies. |
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Giving up on
yourself is a crime, and it carries a life sentence. |
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Go sell crazy
somewhere else, because we're all filled up here. |
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God give me the
patience to get through the terrible twos, and threes,
and fours, and, and, and...! |
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God made men first,
because you always make a rough draft first. |
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God, give me
patience. But, please hurry. |
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Going to church
doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to
McDonald's makes you a hamburger. |
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Golf is a good walk
spoiled. |
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Golf is like sex.
You don't have to be good at it if you can pick a good
partner. |
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Good judgment comes
from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment. |
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Great minds discuss
ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss
people. |
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Growing old is
inevitable. Growing up is optional. |
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Growing up is
highly overrated. |
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Half of what I say
is meaningless, but I say it so that the other half may
reach you. |
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Happiness is a
perfume you can't pour on others without getting a few
drops on yourself. |
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Hate to see you go.
Love to watch you leave. |
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Have a cold glass
of SHUT the hell up! |
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Have I got an oil
for you to swallow! |
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Having a great
time! Wish you were beer! |
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He had too many
issues, so I cancelled his subscription. |
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He who can laugh at
himself never runs out of things to laugh at. |
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He who laughs last,
is slow to get a joke. |
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He who thinketh by
the inch, yet talketh by the yard, should be kickethed
by the foot. |
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Help me. I've
fallen and I can't get up. |
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Here's to you,
here's to me. If we ever disagree, @#$*$#@ you, here's
to me! |
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Hero's never know
what to expect. |
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How about you sit
in my lap, and we will talk about the first thing that
pops up! |
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How can I soar like
an eagle when I'm surrounded by turkeys? |
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How come there's no
Tech Support for life? |
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I always thought I
wanted a career. Now, I have realized that all I want is
the paycheck. |
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I am a bomb
technician. If you see me running, try to keep up. |
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I am as confused as
a baby in a topless bar! |
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I am me. In all the
world, there is no one else exactly like me. Therefore,
everything that comes out of me is authentically mine,
because I alone choose it. However I look and sound,
whatever I say and do, whatever I think and feel is me.
Take me for me! |
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I am not afraid to
die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. |
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I am not dead, just
old! |
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I am not going to
ask you if you just said what I think you just said,
because I know it’s what
you just said. |
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I am the only guy I
know that can get out of line in a one-car funeral. |
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I am woman. I am
invincible. I am tired. |
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I blame it all on
my roots. |
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I can only please
one person per day. Today is NOT your day, and tomorrow
is not looking good EITHER! |
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I can resist
anything...except temptation. |
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I can sell fire to
the Devil. |
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I can't imagine
Socrates saying that. |
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I choose to make
every day a Zippity-do-dah-day. |
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I could insult your
intelligence, but then you probably wouldn't understand
the insult. |
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I cried because I
had no shoes, until I saw a man who had no feet. |
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I didn't just fall
off a turnip truck. |
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I do not care to
speak ill of any man, said Dr. Johnson, "but I have
heard that he is an attorney." |
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I do whatever my
Rice Krispies tell me to do. |
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I don't ask for
much... just a little food money, just a little beer
money, and every now and then
just a little. |
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I don't know about
ignorance, and I don't care about apathy, but I
absolutely will not put up with intolerance. |
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I don't mind that
women leave me, but what really bugs me is when they
tell me WHY. |
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I don't need a
miracle, but I could use a push in the right direction. |
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I don't own the
road. I am just the guy they pay to run it. |
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I don't suffer from
insanity. I'm loving every minute of it. |
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I don't want to be
your first lover. I want to be your last. |
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I drive way too
fast to worry about cholesterol. |
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I dropped a tear in
the ocean. When I find it will be the day I stop loving
you. |
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I fantasize about
having two men...one to COOK, and one to CLEAN! |
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I gave up drinking,
smoking, and sex...worst 15 minutes of my life. |
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I gave you an
answer. You just didn't see my finger. |
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I guess it ain't
tomorrow, but it is closer than yesterday. |
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I have not failed.
I just found 10,000 ways that won't work! |
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I have not yet
begun to procrastinate! |
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I have to remember
to put the corks in my ears at night or my brain will
leak out. |
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I keep pulling
myself up by my bootstraps, but they keep breaking. |
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I know God will
only give me what I can handle. I just wish he didn't
trust me so much. |
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I know it's here
somewhere. |
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I know what you
mean. I raise chickens. |
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I know. I know.
You've got vision and the rest of the world wears
bifocals. |
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I learn by my
mistakes. Trouble is, it will take more than one
lifetime to learn all that. |
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I learn more and
more about less and less until eventually I know
everything about nothing. |
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I like women who
prefer roses on the table over diamonds around their
necks. |
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I live in a state
of perpetual confusion. |
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I may never know
what they learned on the playing fields of Eton, but on
the playgrounds where I grew up, you learned pretty
quick not to mess with family. |
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I might have been
born at night, but it wasn't last night! |
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I must be a
mushroom! Everyone keeps me in the dark and feeds me
bullsh*t! |
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I must be butter,
because I'm on a roll. |
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I need someone
really bad. Are you really bad? |
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I once had a handle
on life, but it broke. |
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I once met a man
who was sad because he had no shoes, until he met a man
who had no feet. |
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I put on my shoes
but remembered far too late my secret Spam stash. |
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I refuse to have a
battle of the wits with an unarmed person. |
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I started out with
nothing, and I still have most of it left. |
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I think you are
opinionated, only when your opinion is different than
mine. |
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I think you have
issues! |
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I tried sanity
once, but it was an excruciating bore. |
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I used to be snow
white, but I drifted. |
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I used to want to
be a procrastinator, but I just never got around to it. |
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I want to die in my
sleep like Grandpa, not like the screaming passengers in
his car. |
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I wanted to say
something about procrastination, but I'll tell you
later. |
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I was born alive
and I live that way. |
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I was cut out to be
rich but was sewn up wrong. |
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I was homeless
once, but didn't want anyone to know. So, I slept in
front of a Ticketmaster. |
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I wasn't kissing
him. I was telling his lips a secret. |
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I wasn't kissing
him. I was whispering in his mouth. |
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I went to find a
friend and couldn't find one anywhere. I went to be a
friend and found them everywhere! |
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I wish. I wish. I
wish I was a fish. |
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I wonder how deep
the ocean would be without sponges. |
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I’m here to do two
things…drink beer and kick a$$. I’m all out of beer. |
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I'd love to have a
battle of wits with you, but I never fight an unarmed
person! |
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I'd rather have a
bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. |
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I'd rather have a
rose on my table than diamonds around my neck. |
