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If a man had enough
sense to treat his lady like a thoroughbred, she’d never
grow into an old nag! |
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If a man is truly
blessed, he returns home from fishing to be greeted by
the best catch of his life. |
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If a man wants to
lead an orchestra, he must first turn his back to the
crowd. |
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If a$$holes could
fly, this place would be an airport. |
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If all the world's
a stage, we need a better director! |
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If an Oriental
person spun around in circles, would he become
disoriented? |
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If at first you
don't succeed, hire somebody. |
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If at first you
don't succeed, reformat! |
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If at first you
don't succeed, then skydiving is not for you. |
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If everyone would
concentrate on the important things in life, there would
be a shortage of fishing rods! |
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If God brings you
to it, He will bring you through it. |
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If God can deal
with eternity, I can handle today! |
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If God is your
co-pilot, you're sitting in the wrong seat! |
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If I could change
the alphabet, I would put U, N, I together. |
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If I don't get in
touch with you in a year or two, please show me the same
consideration. |
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If I had life to
live over again, I'd pay better attention. |
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If I had my life to
live over, I would pick more daisies! |
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If I take you out
on a date, what time do I have to bring you back to
Heaven? |
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If I told you once,
I told you twice. You can't go to heaven with another
man's wife. |
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If I told you that
you had a great body, would you hold it against me? |
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If I was any
better, there would be two of me! |
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If I were blonde,
would I know it? |
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If it ain't broke,
don't fix it! |
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If it is called
common sense, why doesn't everybody have it? |
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If it weren't for
bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. |
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If it weren't for
the last minute a lot of things wouldn't get done. |
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If life's a bowl of
cherries, why do I always get the pits? |
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If Mama ain't
happy...ain't nobody happy. |
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If my name is on
it, you know it's done right. |
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If only there were
more hours in a day. |
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If stupidity got us
into this mess, why can't it get us out? |
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If the elevator to
success isn't running, take the stairs! |
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If the grass is
greener on the other side, you aren't taking care of
your own grass. |
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If time is in a
bottle, then don't waste time sipping. |
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If trains stop at
train stations, what happens at workstations? |
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If you always do
what you have always done, you will always get what you
have always gotten. |
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If you are not
living on the edge, you are taking up too much room! |
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If you are walking
on thin ice, you might as well dance. |
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If you can guess
when rocks were secret weapons, then you guessed my age. |
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If you can read
this, thank a teacher! |
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If you can see the
obstacle, you must have taken your eyes off the goal. |
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If you can't be a
good example, be a horrible warning! |
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If you can't be
kind, at least have the decency to be vague! |
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If you can't bite,
don't growl. |
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If you can't dazzle
them with brilliance, baffle them with bull! |
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If you can't run
with the big dogs, stay on the porch. |
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If you do not seek
laughter at every opportunity you will get wrinkles! |
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If you don’t have
anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. |
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If you don’t stand
for something, you’ll fall for anything. |
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If you don't have
time to do it right the first time, how are you going to
find the time to do it again? |
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If you don't know
what your options are, you don't have any. |
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If you don't want
to get wet, stay on the shore! |
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If you find
yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is to stop
digging. |
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If you follow the
herd, guess what you're bound to step in? |
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If you fool around
at the sideshows, you may miss the circus. |
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If you go around
with your head up your butt, things are going to look
really crappy. |
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If you got it,
floss it! |
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If you lie down
with dogs, expect to get up with fleas! |
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If you live with
one foot in yesterday and one foot in tomorrow, all you
do is p*ss all over today. |
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If you muddy the
stream of life, you're going to drink dirty water! |
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If you really want
lobster, don't settle for licking the top of a tuna fish
can. |
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If you see someone
without a smile, give them one of yours! |
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If you still
believe in stereotypes, you haven't met me. |
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If you think
education is expensive, look at the price of ignorance! |
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If you think today
is a bad day, try missing it all together. |
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If you think you
can, you're probably right. If you think you can't,
you're probably right, too. |
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If you throw a cat
out a car window, does it become kitty litter? |
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If you try one more
time than you fail, then you have never failed! |
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If you wake me up
early, you better have some coffee in your hand for me! |
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If you want the
rainbow, you have to put up with the rain. |
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If you want to be
somebody, if you want to go somewhere, you better wake
up and pay attention. |
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If you want to fly
with eagles, you can't run with turkeys. |
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If you want to give
God a good laugh, tell Him your Plan for Life. |
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If you want to own
the body, you’ve got to pay the rent! |
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If you want to ruin
a great passion, just try earning a living doing it! |
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If you want to run
with the big dogs, then stay off the porch. |
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If you want what
you've never had, you have to do what you've never done. |
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If you were as dumb
as dirt, you would cover an acre! |
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If you’re so smart,
then why aren’t you rich? |
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If your nose runs
and your feet smell, you are upside down! |
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If your stick isn’t
long enough to reach the bottom of the pot, you’re going
to burn your hand. |
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If you're coasting,
you're probably going downhill. |
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If you're going
after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce. |
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If you're not
playing with a full deck, don't shuffle in public. |
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Ignorance is like
dirt…it got all over everyone when we were created. |
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Thank God some of
us learned how to bathe! |
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Ignorance on your
behalf does not constitute an emergency on my behalf. |
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I'll be fair and
rethink your request. Umm, NO! |
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I'll never do
"THAT" again! |
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I'm as happy as a
"DEAD PIG" in the sunshine, and grinning like a Jackass
eating saw briars. |
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I'm finer than a
frog hair split 28 ways. |
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I'm going to prove
the impossible really exists. |
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I'm lobbying to
make Spam one of the 4 basic food groups. |
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I'm not afraid of
dying. I just don't want to be there when it happens. |
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I'm on a 30 day
diet. So far, I've lost ten days. |
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I'm overworked and
underslept. |
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I'm playing with a
deck of 51 cards, and the queen of hearts is missing. |
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I'm so wound up I
could ride my pony bare back and bare bottomed. |
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I'm too blessed to
be stressed, and I refuse to be depressed. |
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In motorcycling,
practice does not make perfect. But, it sure helps a
lot. |
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In order for you to
get on your feet, you first need to get off you’re a$$. |
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In order to capture
the rainbow, you have to dare the storm. |
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In the fields of
opportunity, it's plowin' time again. |
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In the immortal
words of Einstein, "I said what?" |
